When you love someone so much it breaks your heart is it worth it?   Most people would say no, but I think yes it is worth it.  Even when your heart is broken and you don't think you can drag yourself out of bed one more time to ever face that person again, its worth it.  Why?  Because it is so better to have loved and lost compared to never loving someone at all.  Thats how I feel evreryday when I get to work and see Brandon.  He is still the same person he was before I fell in love with him, he is the still the same person he was when he broke my heart, he is still my best friend there.  I wanted to hate him actually I probably did for a little while, but I can't make myself hate him anymore.  I sometimes try and forget all the bad stuff and try and remember what we were like before we ever had a relationship and we can continue to act lik ethose 10 months were lost in a fog, but do I regret falling in love with Brandon? Not for a minute.  Do I miss touching him and smelling him and tasting him and falling into his arms?  Every minute of everyday.  Will I get over Brandon?  The minute someone better makes me forget and treats me a lot better and loves me for me and loves my kids, faults and all, but until that day  comes I'll settle for my memories.

Its so crazy today is Thanksgiving, this year has flown by so fast.  I'm feeling a bit sentimental today, I can't stop thinking about how my girls and I are lounging around  watching the Macy's Day Parade and making my pie, my little 19 year old brother Matt, is in Iraq fighting for our country.  How quiet it will be as we sit down at my mom's table for our Thanksgiving feast knowing Matt is a half a world away.  there will be no cranberry sauce on the table today as no one but Matt likes it, there will be no talk of football,  but in a lighter note, there will be leftovers.  I wish I could look across the table and see Mattheew shoveling his food in like its his last meal, and while everyone else is so miserable from all the food we ate, he is already getting into the pie, thta thought will be with me as I eat a slice of pie.  And poor Kambree, she just turned 3 a few weeks ago and after her shower today I was explaining to her about Thanksgiving and she said, "Oh Matt is coming home for pumpkin pie", made me smile but made me cry. 

Happy Thanksgiving Matthew Hansen, I'm so thankful you are so brave, God Bless you today and everyday, and come home safe.

Every phase of my life seems to have a theme song to go with it.  Like this past spring everything was great and going so good in my life and I am certain my theme song should have been Hollaback Girl, cuz that is such a happy song and makes me wanna get up and dance and everytime I hear it I smile.  But right now my life is in such a funk.  And the song that reminds me of my life is Untitled by Simple Plan.

How could this happen to me

I've made my mistakes

I've got no where to run

The night goes on

As I'm fading away

I'm sick of this life

I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me

It just pretty much decribes exactly how I feel, it sucks so bad to see Brandon everyday at work and I have so many things I wanna say to him, but find it is just so much easier to smile and act like we are just old friends.  And to watch him rush back to Holly's end of the room to flirt with her as if he is doing to it to flaunt it in my face, I really do just wanna scream.  How could I love someone so much but yet dispise them just the same.  I think I am going crazy, damn u Brandon Frazier.

feels like its been forever since i even wrote in this.  My life is so hectic.  i finally after 10 weeks off have went back to work, and i realize how much I hate my job.  Straight up back breaking, bones aching, so tired I don't know my head from my ass, sucks.I'm sure I'll enjoy the paycheck this friday but damn is it really worth it?  Seeing Brandon isn't that bad either.We just resumed the way work was before our love life deteriated. So that makes me feel better, he is still one of my best friends at work.  And I don't know what I would do without Tami at work, she is my rock, she is the only one who truly understands me there, she is great, she is  the second best thing since my gal, Krystal is my life support, my shoulder when I need to cry, the ear when i need to bitch, my gal when I need to laugh, I don't know what my kids and I would do without her.  thanks Krystal for being the best friend I could ever have in my entire life.